Since when did everyone become a foodie?

The year 2012 ended innocently enough, the world was as it should be and everything was in its rightful place. But then the sun rose on 2013 – and everything changed!  Suddenly and inexplicably everyone was a foodie. Friends, family, acquaintances and co-workers all fell prey to the craze, taking up arms in the culinary crusade and, quite frankly, I worry for them.

Because I DO NOT think it’s okay to think that a dark chocolate, citrus infused pigeon is ever okay.

I have a strict policy: I DO NOT eat at restaurants that serve saffron anything, or have the words “Balsamic reduction” or “deconstructed” on the menu.

I find this kind of cooking disdainfully avant-garde. Yes, yes, I’m a pleb. I like baked potato and steak. I do not appreciate food like this:

Apple caviar with Banana foam. Lychee Bubbles filled with Sage Vapour on Oysters. Chocolate mousse infused with Tobacco and quail eggs cooked at three different temperatures for three hours. (WHY?)

I want to draw your attention to this website: http://stuffycheaks.blogspot.com/2011/02/16-course-molecular-gastronomy-tasting.html

It presents us with an example of a 16-course molecular-gastronomy-tasting menu (I’ll come back to that molecular gastronomy part in a paragraph or two). But after reading through their menu, I feel I need to ask the chef a few questions:

1. What in the name of normalcy is a sweet and sour tangerine veil?
2. What, pray tell, is bacon dust?
3. And who on this holy earth mixes compressed watermelon, mango 'egg yolk' and dehydrated capers?

As promised, lets take a look at that phrase, “Molecular Gastronomy”, which is described as follows: a whole new emotional and sensory experience of eating, serving dishes such as crab ice cream and snail porridge. If I were served crab ice cream, I guarantee you I’d definitely have a whole new emotional experience (and it wouldn’t be good!) Other treats include Mango Ravioli, edible sea sand foam, parsley champagne and frozen Parmesan air.

I have another strict restaurant policy: I don’t eat at restaurants called “The Singing Avocado” or “The Purple Orange” or “The Pirouetting Pig”. Names like this just confuse me. No, I eat at simple restaurants with self-explanatory names like “The Meat Company”, “The Punjab Chicken King” or “Jimmy’s Killer Prawns”. No confusion there!

You know exactly what you’re getting. And you can be sure their menus do not boast: Smoked Reindeer, smothered in a Spicy emulsion of fois gras and jasmine infused air, floating gracefully down a babbling brook of balsamic reduction, shrouded in a veil of tart strawberry foam, nestled in a pillow of aromatic anchovy soufflé, sprinkled with a fine pork rind dust and doused in a beetroot champagne.

Green Pea Jelly & Egg:

Would you eat this?

Grilled Watermelon Salad:

How is this a salad?